What I know now- Two years ago this month
Can it really have been that long ago? It’s so strange that we have put so many days between us and that day because I remember it so very well. It was 2 years ago this month that we said goodbye to our little girl, Priscilla, who at only 20 weeks gestation had already claimed my heart and my hopes. I think this time last year I was still incredibly raw and sad. Watching as my other daughter Tabitha grew and developed as a little baby, it made me think of her identical sister a lot. I would wonder about their personalities and how they might have differed. All the what ifs- those where the things that got me that first year. Not the what ifs of her passing or our situation with twin to twin transfusion, but the what ifs of what her life would have been like if we’d gotten to keep her.
This year has been different. Time has helped. Life has helped. And above all I know the Lord has helped me continue to heal. However there is one thing that remains with me as strong as it was 2 years ago, something I don’t think will ever change or fade even the slightest. On that day in August I learned about the frailty of this thing called having children. Right there in that hospital room with the ultra-sound machine beside my bed, I learned about the true nature of having babies.
I know I am not alone here, those of you reading this who’ve lost babies before you even knew if they were a boy or a girl, or those who’ve lost them at birth or many years later, you know the reality too. You know the painful truth about the frailty of Life, the threadlike balance of being a parent. Honestly those of you who’ve looked at stick after pregnancy stick without seeing two lines, in a lot of ways you too understand this truth too. And wow, is it a doozy! Having children, having healthy children, boy is it a mysterious gift!
I think I’ve done everything my little type A brain can think of, in fact, in the last few months I’ve put of the whole “lets put away the birth control and see what happens” off even more so with excuses about my health. How could I possibly get pregnant when I’m still overweight and sickly?!? Let’s be honest, as I type this I still can’t eat solid foods after my awesome bout with throat problems this summer that delightfully ended with a tonsillectomy which still has me laid up! BUT you know what? Even if I was the very picture of health I’d find some other excuse to put off making our family bigger. Because I now know, more than ever that you can do everything right and it can still end in heartbreak. And since there is no way of me to know for sure whether all will turn out perfectly, maybe I should just spar myself and just not have anymore children. Because, gosh darn it, now that I know this awful truth about how Life is so fragile, how could I possibly put myself out there again?!?!
Now, don’t stop reading yet! Because so far I’ve been very dire and not very helpful. But, something has become strikingly clear to me lately and that is something about God’s character. Is there anything in the Bible that talks about maybe you should not have dreams because if they don’t come true God will be less awesome and wonderful? Is there ANYTHING in the Bible that says that?
Also, just because I now know just how much heartbreak hurts, doesn’t mean that I can now avoid heartbreak forever and ever and that be ok. Because, I know now that to avoid heartbreak is also to avoid Life, oh and P.S. It’s also avoiding God.
I do not know when there will ( of if there ever will) be more pregnancy news on this blog, but what I do know is that if there ever is, I will most definitely be scared. I will most definitely have uncontrollable fears about it turning out like “the last time” and I will probably hold my breath for every ultrasound and heart beat. I will never be fully recovered from loosing my daughter because she was a Hope and Dream that will always be lost to me. But an even greater tragedy would be if I let fear of more heartbreak keep me from the rest of Life- That the fear of difficulty and loss would keep me from knowing more of what God can do.
This post does not just pertain to babies, no it reaches much further, to the foundation of who I am. How much am I willing to trust the Lord? Am I willing to go ahead and dream big? Am I willing to tell the Lord my hearts desire and let Him hold on to that for me and see where that journey will take us? Am I willing to let Jesus be the Lord not just the Savior of my life? Because knowing what I know now, that will be the most painful, heartbreaking, beautiful, wonderful, miraculous journey ever.
And I’d do it again in a heartbeat. A tiny baby heartbeat.